Funniest 1MC/2MC Announcements

The Rundown

On US Naval ships, there are numerous announcing systems for the ship, covering different areas. The 1MC is for the entire ship, whereas the 2MC just covers engineering spaces. There are a host of other circuits that can also be used for various tasks. Here are some stories (the names have been removed to protect the guilty) about various announcements that I have come across…

(Note: I was in nuclear engineering, so many/most of these have to do with announcements that occurred in the nuclear world)

The Announcements

  • Our chaplain getting on the 1MC one night while we were in the Gulf and he blessed the missiles. That was special.
  • It wasn’t funny, it was the sequence and timing. Within seconds of each other “ding ding, now arriving Vice Admiral such and such of the Argentinian Navy.” ” fire in the engine room”.  The nukes were never allowed to work when visitors were on board again.
  • Right after he’d take the watch in manuvering (SPCP/EPCP) one of my fellow EMs would get the 2MC mic, stuff if in his butt and fart.
    1. None of us enlisted would use the mic
    2. Everybody in the spaces would let out a whoop
  • Our chaplain on Enterprise during the 98-99 Med was Father O’Shaughnessy, during tattoo he congratulated Lt. Swanson of Reactor Department for consuming his 500th slider in the Wardroom, to make fun of all the stupid shit Airwing announced on the 1MC. I heard he got called in front of the Captain for it, but I doubt he was much intimidated. A hilarious man, the good Father.
  • “Engineer come to maneuvering….please?”
    Ensign on EOOW UI
  • CGN-39 at the pier in Norfolk getting ready to leave for the Med (this was 1981). The Engineer was OOD and was at the brow. We were turning the shafts for warm-up and the Engineer saw the water moving around off the fantail and thought we were answering a bell, or in his case he was having another psychotic episode. He grabbed the mic and started yelling “Stop the main engines! Stop the main engines! This is the Engineer! Stop the main engines!” This echoed across the D&S piers. The dependents were still on the pier, the brow was still in place. All eyes on him. “Belay my last”, followed by a call from the Captain.
  • The funniest thing I ever heard was the CO warning off a sail boat from crossing in front of the ship coming into Norfolk over all channels.
  • XO screaming about shutting hatches, because, and I quote, “It was Africa hot!”
  • SSBN655 Lt Neil Young school of public speaking as we called it. He always knew and rehearsed what to say but as soon as he pushed the button the words came out all wrong.
  • Turbidity sample on seawater sample unsat.
  • “There are workers diving over the side.” They’re doing what?!
  • “Shutdown Reactor Oprerator, contact EOS”
  • “RADCON Shift Supervisor, contact the CO’s stateroom”
  • During a flooding drill, our junior EOOW just received word that flooding was from Port side and then the following happened:2MC:”Flooding is from Port MSW, EWS, emergency restore the port side of the ER!”*realizes what he said*
  • During fast leak drill, “leak has been isolated to the port loop. Restoring the port loop.”
    And….. reset.
  • From the Dial X one number calls another number and he another. So on until many phones were on the line with a party call. The last number dials the JO stateroom and in a desperate voice says oh no, please dial xx (the XO’s number), when the XO answers there is a group raspberry and everyone hangs up. The XO can only get the last person in line.
  • The EDO was trying to give orders via the 2MC during drills, and all that came out was “duh”.
  • 0130 watch relief on the San Francisco. ALL is silent but for the 1 MC announcement: “You’re in the Jungle, baby!”
  • We had just pulled into port and shutdown. My senior chief found out that RC div was going to do NI testing and have the RC open, so he decided I should do the RCP vibration checks at the same time. He didn’t realize that you can’t change pump lineups during NI testing, so I didn’t start until 2 AM. He had duty I didn’t.At at about 3 AM I’m in the RC and hear “attention KMart shoppers, there is a blue light special on reactor coolant pumps in Reactor Compartment Middle level”..Because of the NI testing the ENG was duty officer, he was not aware of the RCP testing and heard the check valve slam when they shifted pumps. The ENG came back to see “what the fuck was going on”. He got to maneuvering the SRO told him what was going on and he said “where the fuck is the senior chief?”
    “Doing his tour”
    “Get him up here”
    “Any way I want?”
    “I don’t care how, just get him here”The senior chief showed up ready to chew out the SRO and instead for his ass handed to him by the ENG
  • “There are divers working in the sail… FUCK!”
  • I was on the flight deck, “practicing” for manning the rails and since everyone was still getting there I was standing in a group chatting and eating the bagel I snagged from the mess decks on the way up. On the loudspeaker I hear: “Hey you!” We all look around. “Yes, you with the bagel. You can’t eat on the flight deck!” So I discreetly stuck what was left of my plain bagel in the pockets of my coveralls and he sarcastically says “Oh, that’s great. Stick it in your pocket. That’s just disgusting!” Apparently, he had higher standards than I did at that point.
  • 2MC: Shutdown Reactor Operator. Report to maneuvering.
  • We had a watch officer who would two hand the mics, one for the 1MC and the other for the 2MC. Sometimes he would get confused about which hand was holding which mic…And then of course there was always the act criss-crossing the mics so the WO would try to make a 2MC announcement, only to get the 1MC instead.Our general rule of thumb was always if the WO made an inadvertant 1MC announcement, it was cokes for everyone that could get into maneuvering in the next five minutes.The system works.
  • Hot mic in the box with a baby butter bar and all the dudes saying ‘Dont say penis, don’t say penis, don’t say penis’.
  • Eng during a repel boarders saying “Repair boarders, correction…shit uhh repeal, fuck shut the hatches”
  • EO, RO, and throttle man would gather around the EOOW and repeatedly whisper “penis” while making announcements.
  • ‘moke, ‘moke…deh is black ‘moke in…..
  • CO once came on the 1MC to announce that all hazing of midshipmen was to cease immediately.
  • Our COB had a similar announcement and added that it’s not appropriate to leave our happy socks in the overhead for the midis to walk into
  • We had a JG that was too big for his britches so we called in a fire in the motor controller for a steam driven fire pump during ORSE drill prep.
  • 1MC – “Acrid odor in Control!”
    A minute later:
    1MC “The acrid odor is dinner.”
  • “The Officer of the Deck has shitted his watch below decks” – me (not on purpose)
  • Intended: EWS line up to blow down the port SG 
    Actual: EWS line up to blow up the starboard MG.
  • 2MC – “secure the ANAS” (advanced noise attenuation system)
  • “Van overboard” the van we used to travel to town from Cape Canaveral rolled off the causeway and overturned in the water upside down with the wheels spinning slowly above the waterline. Driver was drunk.
  • During General Quarters over the 1MC – “I’m a leprechaun, someone stole my Lucky Charms”
  • Romero Sierra Romero Sierra( radioactive spill) in 1 MMR 2 MMR 1 RAR 2 RAR FUCK! yeah fill had been turned on by accident.
  • 4mc during halfway night while we are doing a calorimetric. “Happy Coner Day”
  • “Corpsman lay to the wardroom” – an ST had put on an EAB during his sub board, and passed out because he forgot to breath.
  • “Flooding in compartment…….the hanger bay!”
  • “Flooding in the Jet Shop”.
  • In the middle of my rack time the General alarm goes off, the lights in berthing came on ( I saw that the boat had a steep angle). The CO came on the 1MC and said “All hands check for flooding aft!”. Those of us in berthing were sent forward to the Torpedo Room to act as human ballast. The thing is that the CO should have said “All hands aft check for flooding”. Oh well, lessons learned.It turns out the boat encountered a layer of water that had a dramatically different salinity than the layers we were just in. The boat was out of balance.I don’t know who’s “oops” caused this unexpected event. Those of us in the Torpedo room (598 Class), looked up at the forward escape trunk hatch and knew for us, at that time, it was totally worthless.
  • Rig ship for ludicrous speed and silly angles!!
  • While underway conducting man overboard drills: “James Monroe departing” followed a few minutes later by “James Monroe returning” the CO had ended up in the drink.
  • “Secure blowing san2! Secure blowing san 2!” – The 4″ hose was going from the boat to the top of a tanker on the pier was supposed to be held by a junior A-ganger. It came loose with a little extra pressure and flopped around uncontrollably. It spayed the pier, the adjoining boat, and our boat with our crap tank contents.
  • “We will be conducting an inspection of Chief’s berthing. COB please report to the Chief’s berthing with the following: Clipboard, pen, flashlight, and blacklight.” I had way to much fun as CO for the day.
  • Flooding on the O-9 level.
  • “Set River TITTIE DELTA throughout the ship.”
  • Ding ding
    Ding ding
    “Naval Intelligence … Departing”
  • “There are divers in the water. Shit. [long pause]… Do not operate anything. There are divers in the water.” A moment later, the captain’s voice, “Duty Chief, lay topside.”
  • Standing 3rd cold iron watch in port, turns 0000 on Christmas Day: (watch officer over 2mc) now commence all honors good and proper to baby Jesus.
  • M division departing
  • “Fire in the galley” followed by ” the fire, sssssss, is in, ssssss, the cake” thru an EAB. The cooks were making a birthday cake for the NAV I think, who was OOD, boat took a steep angle and well, it poured out of the pan in the oven.
  • SSBN in Bangor. EDO on midnight rounds…2MC…Topside, Manuevering, report midnight draft readings”. We were in dry dock.
  • During the Gulf War the Truxtun was guarding the sweeps, and continuously overrunning them. One day the forward, starboard-side 50 cal sees something suspicious in the water and drills it. It doesn’t explode so the aft 50 cal drills it as well.They’re only supposed to be shooting at mines, so everyone on the ship is waiting for the explosion, when we hear over the 1MC:”Man overboard – starboard side!”Then:”Secure from man overboard drill.”Ol’ Oscar, the man overboard dummy, had a bad day that day
  • 2MC – Mercury spill in engine room lower level, access secured to all Tuna.
  • 1MC – Fire! Fire! Fire in Machinery one…two.
  • During a flooding drill, we took a sharp angle and a smoke/fire was reported in the galley. Shortly after the announcement of smoke/fire 1MC comes across something to the effect of, “Disregard the report of smoke in the forward compartment.” long pause with the 1MC keyed and the OOD says, “It was only Corn bread in the oven”
  • “Captain….. America…. Departing.”3 minutes later – “Captain, United States Navy, Departing.”
  • COB to crew about someone sending an inappropriate command wide email. “Listen up Mother Fuckers!”
  • 2 hours after SOA team on board, a frantic 4MC from one of the cooks, followed by a 1MC for a “Fire in the big oven.”
  • Another on the USS Florida SSGN-728. 1MC: “At time 728, the reactor is critical”. you could hear cheers throughout the engine room. I was the reactor operator.
  • We were close enough to land on an underway to get cell reception. The XO got on the 1 MC remind us to maintain OPSEC and not tell everyone we were at XXX… Of course everyone on the other end of the cell phones could hear what the XO said.
  • “Loss of pot wattable!” An Ensign EOOW, of Chinese descent.
  • *during anchoring detail*
    Fantail phone talker: “There’s a bird out here and it won’t go away. ”
    Unknown station: “Don’t tell that bird anything; it’s a spy.”
    #2 Throttles: *giggle*
  • CO over the 1MC: “All hands not actually on watch report to the flight deck.”
    [a few minutes later}
    CO over the 5MC: “Everyone wave to the nice commies”.
  • Bright and early in a weekend duty day:”Reveille, reveille, reveille! Up all bunks! Now, reveille! All hands, heave out and trice up! Uniform of the day is as follows! Utilities, white T-shirt, black socks, and boots! Underwear optional, but recommended! Cover, gloves and jacket required topside, it’s cold out there! Time to pump and dump! Breakfast will be- gah!”Took the duty Chief all of twenty seconds to make from the chiefs quarters to control and rip the 1mc from his hands.
  • I wish I could remember what the exact phrase was, we were doing the pre-underways on TGLO, EDO was in the RC for tour, I was SRO. Alarm came in for TGLO and I went to make the announcement, got tongue tied and ended up tacking on, “eh…. fuck it, you know what alarm it was.” On the 2MC. EDO called in and asked if anyone important heard it, I said nope. And then she started cracking up on the 2JV. People still bring it up.
  • During drills: 2MC “The status of the fire in the MMR is unknown, someone make a fucking status report.”
  • Our XO called everybody “booger eatin’ morons”
  • “The DCA has been blown, blown overboard and blown dry.” DCA was the OOD. The Duty ELT, holding the sea chest blow hose, had asked permission to blow the DCA.
  • We had people working in the sail, normal announcements. When done, 1MC for ” The sail is clear.” New XO picks up phone, calls topside, says: “The sail is actually black.”1MC: “Correction: The sail is black.” Cue duty chief and duty officer sprinting topside. XO? Giggling like a maniac. Best level of knowledge with said XO.
  • Flooding drill: “There is a 4 inch gash in the MSW system” followed by a pause and a lot of background laughter.
  • The Jacksonville’s CO on the 1MC trying to give a pep talk. “It’s survival of the fittest, it’s like Darwa, uhh, Darnwin”…”oh hell, you know what I mean”.
  • Heard this over the white rat in maneuvering:”Mikey has a little bomb, little bomb, little bomb.
    Money has a little bomb, in the engineroom”The last time they let a nuke initiate a security drill before field day; he crawled into the outboards and hid.
  • City of, 2015 “Secure from light smoke. The smoke was steam from the Wardroom coffee pot.”
  • Drills in 1 plant. Announcement: “#1 reactor scram……pause…..#2 reactor scram, ah shit, dead in the water!”
  • On my sub, when men were in the sail, the below decks watch had to pass the word on the 1MC every so often. We had a below decks watch that talked like Elmer Fudd. “Do not raise, lower, rotate, or radiate from any mast or antenna, there are men working in the Sail”, came out as “Do not waise, wowah, wotate, oh wadiate fwom any mast oh antenna, thei ah men wooking in the sail”.
  • We had one below decks watch that announced it as: There are mens working in the sail. There are hot sweaty mens working in the sail.
  • “IC2 Cox…EOS” Wasn’t as funny after he made first.
  • “This is the CDO. It seems that someone thought it would be funny to…. poop… on the second deck. Whoever you are, you will be found.” Ah, Stennis.
  • CO on announcing daily Captain’s cup events and winners”And the winner of the arm wrestling contest is……..(big sigh) …. Reactor Department.”Another from CO: “I forbid anyone from shaving their heads on deployment. There will be no cults or gangs on my ship”
  • Working on a sub. “Captain’s wife arriving.” Mic click. “Dinner for the crew.”
  • “Maneuvering, AMR2UL; reactor scram is due to XO is a DICK.”After the AMR2UL watch was ordered to stop defending the scram breakers from the XO.
  • 4MC after having just shutdown and opened the RC. “The following is a test of the 4MC from reactor compartment upper level. ELT’S rule” that was quickly followed by a 2MC of ELT come to maneuvering.
  • “Loss of port TG lube oil. Engine Room Supervisor, Shut Main Steam 3… no wait shut Main Steam 4” Response shouted from the Engine Room, “Too late M!@#$ F%^&*!”
  • Duty chief had a bit of an accent: “Prepare to place a low pressure blow on all main battle stanks.” Every time. And the SROs would copy that for the engine room for two years after he was gone. To be fair, I did too as the srw when we were ready.
  • Nuke MMCM comes over the 1MC one week before pulling in from a med cruise to announce the Official BOCOD date. Unbeknownst to anyone in charge of monitoring the channel, BOCOD stands for “beat off cut-off day” the day you stop masturbating to ensure an adequate supply of baby-batter when you pull in.
  • 4MC: “Emergency call, emergency call… there’s fire all up in this bitch. Send help.” -FNG
  • CO over the 1MC during ORSE
    “EOOW, CO stop dicking around with the EPM and get me propulsion before we sink out”. AEA didn’t have a clue how to shift to the EPM and the breaker wasn’t very cooperative
  • Over wifcom while main was locked and we were unlocking it:
    CMO replies calmly: “Jacking gear engaged light is lit due to locking device and jacking gear sharing a clutch…proceeding with unlocking”
  • On the Big E, pierside Norva, all 8 cold-iron. “Now set the special sea and anchor detail. Man overboard, Man overboard.”A freak supercell storm came up. The mooring lines were sprung as a guy was crossing the officer’s brow, which fell to the camel below.
  • Over the 1MC of a non-nuc boat (USS Barney) but still good: “Ding, Ding, Barney arriving” as CO’s gig comes alongside. “Ding Ding, Barney Departing” as CO misses his jump to the boarding ladder and falls in the water.
  • While cruising topside transiting out to sea after just securing the maneuvering watch hearing over 4MC “SHUT THE VALVE SHUT THE VALVE!” followed by the sounds of the aft ballast tanks blowing and feeling the sub suddenly angle up. The aft end had been slowly sinking much to the surprise of the guys in the sail when they turned around.
  • Finding a simulated fire during an engine room drill. “We have a class bravo fire in lower level engine room the approximate size of a three by five index card”
  • Aboard MTS-626 while I was standing AMR2LL UI – “The pressurizer is squishy.”We had an old MMCM who referred to that moment where the PZR is about to go solid as “kinda squishy,” and on this particular watch, he was the instructor for an EOOW UI O-ganger who dared him to say it on the 2MC.
  • Propulsion electrician, call me maybe
  • “I’m going to keelhaul the next motherfucker that I catch throwing a chemlight overboard” – CAPT Branch, CO of the Nimitz at the time.
  • Warm water on my class of boat leads to high out of spec seawater injection temp. ERLL gets to call it in every hour when he takes his logs. He knows it’s too high. EO answering the phone knows it’s too high. EOOW getting the report knows it’s too high. God knows it’s too high. Hell, even the Skipper probably knows it’s too high. But, he calls it in every hour.The conversation on the evening watch went like this:*2JV growls*
    EOOW (expecting the report) – “Maneuvering, Engineering Officer of the Watch.”
    *EOOW releases button so it comes across the white rat*
    ERLL – “Maneuvering, Engineroom Lower Level. Seawater injection temperature high out of spec for the 22nd consecutive hour.”
    EOOW – “Engineroom Lower Level, Maneuvering, you get seawater injection temperature back in spec immediately or I will have you relieved!”
    *EOOW again releases button so we can all hear the response*
    *Long pause….*
    ERLL – “Kick ass. I’m gettin’ relieved.”
  • We were pulling in Bermuda and our Weps officer saw a woman coming out if the water and said, “Look at those Big Tits!”, while he had the 1MC keyed when we were pulling in.
  • We got a pre-release copy of Supertroopers. Only the drill team got to see it. No one else on the ship had even heard of it yet. Day after watching it, we ran the first set of drills. Over plant announcing circuit the drill team load dispatch announced “Meow commence propulsion plant drills, meow commence propulsion plant drill….” EOOW sat for a full minute just staring at speaker. Asks Did he say meow? Load gives him the nimbly-nimbly branch to branch speech with a perfectly straight face. That was the hardest I think I ever laughed. The LtCmdr just looked like he had failed open. Kept asking other watchstanders if they had heard it too.
  • M-DIV had a 1st Class who was known to have a temper at times. His last name was Crain. The announcement over the 2MC was “There is a Crain operating in the engine-room! Stay clear of the Crain Swing Circle.
  • As LLER watch in my early days on the boat, I operated the 8K evaporator. After it was shut down, it was normal for salinity alarms to go off because of no flow past them. It alarmed on a local panel and in maneuvering. I would cut the alarm off at the local panel but every time it went off, maneuvering would growl me to tell me I had the alarm, when they knew that they had ordered me to shut down the still and that it was a normal alarm. I got irritated one time and told them “yes I know, it is a normal alarm, why are you telling me this?” They said they just wanted me to be aware. The next time it went off, I beat them to the punch, I growled them and informed them I had the alarm. “Well, isn’t that normal?” “I just wanted you to be aware”!
  • There was an isolated sound powered phone between ERUL and ERLL. One day I called the ERLL watch on that phone. There was a hole that I could see to ERLL. I told him to back up two steps. He did. It was funny to see him actually step back. Then I poured water down the hole onto him, then told him to carry on.
  • “Chief Engineer, report to the port side for list control.”
  • We had an interesting issue with the white rat on the 2MC in 2 plant on the Ark. If you listened carefully, you could hear the ship’s entertainment channel playing over it. We figured out that it was being caused by induction, but we were never able to figure out WHERE the induction was coming from.The Eng finally heard it one night and went slightly ballistic, and we did give it the ol’ college try… kind of… but since we were also going into drydock soon for decommissioning, we were kind of in the mood of “Fuck it”.
  • On the 2MC, on the mid watch: Auxiliary Electrician Aft…Bring coffee and cigarettes to Maneuvering…..NOW!.”. I was the AEA and the EOOW was a Mustang/IC nuke LCDR, and the Weps who liked to stand EOOW just to be away from the Conn.
  • “Loss of Shore Power. All ELT’s lay topside??”
  • Good morning men, this is the XO. The ship has tapeworm, drills are cancelled.
  • “Engineering Officer of the Watch!!!! Please come back to maneuvering, sir!!!!” Spoken onboard MTS-626 by the staff EOOW to the student EOOW after the student freaked out during a drill set and ran off the boat.
  • At A1W, we had a student EOOW who was Vietnamese. During drills, he would get flustered and start announcing the commands in Vietnamese. We would double over laughing.He did not make it.
  • “For all those who think they may get seasick, there is mescaline available in Maneuvering.”
  • On a Nimitz – class: “scram, number two and three reactors.”
  • “Happy New Years Bitches”
    -EOOW, over the 2MC
  • “Aloft, there are divers working aloft onboard USS George Washington”
  • During our last MMP, we had a young ELT SRW who would call in asinine shit into maneuvering. (Yardies left cables out, no signs on staged items, etc…) So, one time, after finally having enough of his stupid reports the next time he called in during the midder:SRW: Maneuvering, Roving Watch.Me: Thank you for calling Maneuvering, all operators are currently busy and unable to take your call. Please stay on the line.Long pause.SRW: Manuevering, Roving Watch.Me: We appreciate your call and your service to this country. Please stay on the line for the next available operator. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.He put the phone down, came to maneuvering and merely said “Aft printer is out of paper…” And left. Me and the SEO lost it.
  • “Dis be a dreeul, dis be a dreeul” during a totally awesome General Quarters.
  • Did hear a “Rapid ringing of the bell, rapid ringing if the bell, pause, stinger” Followed by what sounded like a BMC slapping a BMSR in the back of the head. He read the card over the 1MC, vice performing the action on the card.
  • “Bring all danger tags to Maneuvering” on SSBN 624 as we were starting up the plant due to hurricane Bob 1985 in Charleston
  • I was standing SRO on Christmas Day; I always volunteered for it since you really didn’t do shit. I was kicked back with my feet on the throttles and a candy cane in one hand and a near beer (courtesy of MWR) in the other, with a bright red Santa hat on my head. The Duty officer did not like Christmas duty, nor my hat.I’m kicked back when the very junior topside watched announced “Rig ship for lady visitors”, I grabbed the 4MC and responded “Rig ship for lady visitors, topside maneuvering aye”. I marked the time and figured I would report the ER being rigged in 5 minutes or so.Next announcement, “topside, maneuvering, duty officer JA”I grabbed the phone and listened to him calmly explain to the topside watch that the proper announcement was “There will be lady visitors onboard until further notice”, then it was my turn:DO: “Maneuvering online?”
    SRO: “Maneurvering, shutdown reactor operator”
    DO: “Is this Pratt?”
    SRO: “Yes sir”
    DO: “Are you in a holiday and festive spirit or did you think you had to respond to that?”
    SRO: “Well sir, I am in a holiday and festive spirit, but I was just acknowledging a ships rig passed over the 1MC”
    DO: “You need to get out of your holiday and festive spirit an start standing a professional way… ARE YOU WEARING THAT FUCKING HAT! YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE WEARING THAT FUCKING HAT. QUIT FUCKING AROUND BACK THERE!!!!”
  • After reveille was called away on the surface to pick up the ORSE team and “O Fortuna” was played on the 1MC.
  • Another great one was maneuvering into Pearl, as I was standing EO.
    Over the 7MC: “Bridge, Conn, Arleigh Burke destroyer bearing 219.” “Conn, Bridge Aye”
    10 sec later.
    “Helm, Bridge right rudder, heading 219.”
    Me:”Isn’t there a destroyer down that bearing?”
    Unfortunately the EOOW beat me to the JA to hear the ass chewing.
  • In port. MM1 was in maneuvering trying to find our LPO and grabs the 2MC. “Petty Officer Holden report to…. sh*t! F**k!! SH*T!!!!” Then a loud bang as the EDO slapped the mic out of his hand.
  • We were doing single steam header watchteam evolutions and I was ERUL. We were isolating the port header for training and I’d already tripped the TG and locked out the main. I had the S&EPM at the SPACP and stopped to check the procedure (facing aft). I stood up, facing aft, looked left, and walked to my left. I grabbed the MSRV controller, moved it to “SHUT”, and heard on the 2MC: Main steam 3 is inter…… NOOO!!!!” I moved the lever to open and by the time the valve went open, the EDMC was standing about 6 inches from me and glaring through my soul.
  • Rigging ship for female visitors and topside reports “snatch in the hatch.”
  • CMO: “Water Control Watch, Chief Machinery Operator…uhhhhhh…fuck it”WCW: “Disregard aye”
  • I was on the throttles…..on the 7MC at PD “Maneuvering, Conn you’re cavitating” EOOW fired back “Conn, Maneuvering, cavitation will cease when the screw submerges again” followed the shuddering of the sail planes slapping the surface.
  • From the EOOW on the 2MC, “Engineroom Upper Level shut the fuck up!”
  • Ran a security drill for the sole purpose of the “perpetrator” (a prior enlisted JO) to have the ability to take out the EOOW (a prior enlisted Marine). I heard the air horn, looked in Maneuvering at all the “dead” watchstanders, and entered, taking cover behind the desk.
    “Maneuvering, Conn, report if the reactor is safe.”
    “Conn, Petty Officer Vastine, I have relieved as Reactor Operator. The reactor is safe. I am the only living person in Maneuvering.””Maneuvering, Conn, aye.”1MC “Qualified watch team, report to Maneuvering.”
  • On the 626: EOOW comes back from tour, grabs overhead grab rail with both hands to vault himself up into his chair. Hits his head in the corner of MC box, gashing his head open and knocking himself out in the process. EO on 4MC: “Corpsman and qualified EOOW lay to Maneuvering. Immediately followed by the Nav on 7MC: “Maneuvering, Conn, what’s going on back there?” RO (me) on 7 MC: ” Conn, Maneuvering, the EOOW is unconscious and bleeding from the head.” 7MC: “Maneuvering, Conn, what did you guys do to him?” Of course this happens in the middle of the night, and the Eng is the first one back there, in bathrobe, shower shoes, and TLD. Comes to the chain and starts yelling, sees the throttleman trying to stop the bleeding, and say, “Entering, I have assumed the watch.”
  • Answering a full bell in override for an extended period. We recommended to the EOOW, who was standing one of his first watches; to request a momentary all stop to restore control oil.7MC:
    EOOW- conn, maneuvering, request momentary all stop to restore control oil.
    CONN- maneuvering, conn, wait one for all stop, restore control oil.EOOW cobra strikes the 2MC (we’re still answering a full bell)
    “ERUL, restore control oil”All three of us yell in unison “NO!!!” As I start winging the throttles shut (not that ERUL would’ve done it, but just in case)2MC:
    EOOW: ERUL, NOOOOOO, FUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKThe whole engine room was rolling.
  • Had an EOOW that was Korean, a naturalized citizen of course, during a drill set, the ERUL performed wrong actions and all the lights went out. Over the 2MC – “Lights should not go out, EWS contact Manuevering”. It was quiet for all of three seconds.
  • This is a drill
    This is a drill
    This is a
    Black and decker drill
    Zzzz zzzz zzzz ( drill noises)
    That might have just been our radcon spaces on the tender tho.
    I did hear “who the fuck added ammonia to the engineroom again” on my way out of the D1G ball. Oops – not a full shot but enough to clear the spaces for a few. As a student so not spanked too hard. Hard not to laugh when getting chewed out – the chief was trying so hard to not make this delicate flower cry.
  • Standing midwatch SRO, SRW standing at the chain, bullshitting as usual.
    SRW: I got a new ringtone for my phone.
    SRO: What’s that?
    SRW: Ghostbusters theme song!
    SRO: Let’s hear it!
    Useless annoying dinq-ass Nub alertness watch: Is that allowed in maneuvering?
    SRW: Hmm, good point. (walks forward of Maneuvering, picks up 2JV, plays Ghostbusters ringtone over white rat)
    SRO: (grabs 2JV handset & 2MC mic, suddenly Ghostbusters is playing throughout engineering spaces)
  • While solid and standing SRW, I go to the discharge station. My buddy is the discharge station watch. He starts singing Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys. He’s manning phones but maneuvering isn’t and have the Amp on. Right when he gets to the high pitch part at the beginning, he leans forward and sings loud and closes his eyes. I reach out and key his mic instantly. He sings for about 5 seconds like this. He stops, looks at me and says, “did you really key it?” I said yes. I walk to maneuvering and the SRO and SEO and pissing themselves laughing after hearing it out of nowhere on the Amp.
  • 2MC: “Somebody do something!”
  • Our training division officer (who always chided us to “maintain formality in all plant communications” during drills) was standing his monthly required watch as PPWO when he accidentally had the running main feed booster pump tagged out instead of one of the idle ones. We lost feed but quickly recovered before any scram was needed as the standby pump came on. he was making a 2MC announcement as to what happened when he realized that he was the cause. “Loss of feed due to….Goddamnit!” Naturally, we watch standers in the plant immediately phoned in with reminders about maintaining formal communications. He took it well – he was a pretty good guy.
  • During TRE, the CO at battle stations gives a quick brief to the tracking party on what our plan is to track and shoot torpedo at the target. A JO (LTJG) who is Geoplot Coordinator yells “I concur Captain!”
  • Had a JO give the midnight prayer on the 0200-0700 watch as Ricky Bobby for a week straight, even 4 boxed it to piss off the other watch officer. Every single one he mentioned sweet baby Jesus at least 2-3 times.
  • About a month after the boot camp style reveille, the belowdecks is back in Maneuvering reviewing his logs when it comes time to announce reveille.
    BDW: Oh shit, I almost forgot to call reveille.
    SRO/OBNOB: Can I do it?
    BDW: Ok, but don’t fuck around. I don’t want to get in trouble again.
    SRO/OBNOB: Don’t worry, I got this. *clears throat*
    1MC: “Reveille, reveille, reveille! Up all bunks! Now reveille!” *pause* ” GET THE FUCK OUTTA BED!”
    BDW: Goddamnit.
  • Midwatch RO on some boomer doing war games with the Kennedy battlegroup out of Jacksonville, FL. We come shallow to copy the evening broadcast and I feel the boat start to rock. The throttleman has the SEPM out in his lap and is studying some bullshit, don’t know what or why as he was qualified SRO at the time. Then the engine order telegraph jumps to flank, then standard, then full, followed by the ringing bell [bwah, bha, bha, bhaw, bha, bha, bhaaaaaaaw, bhaaaaaaaw, bhaaaaaaaw] I hear the ENG (as OOD) on the 1MC, “Emergency Deep!”Throttleman: Damnit Fine! and starts lazily opening the throttles.EO: “Answer the goddamn bell [name]!”followed by the noise from the overhead (whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh) as we got run over by some destroyer.Throttleman wings the throttle open to the stops…
  • While doing underwater hull survey, “Throttles, Conn, Can I get 4 1/2 turns?” “Conn, Throttleman, I’ll try.”
  • Had a SRO grab the 1MC instead of the 2MC and, in a very stately voice say “shutdown electrical operator…oops.”
  • During the summer I would routinely announce over the 2MC: “for the information of all hands, the temperature in EOS is 68 degrees” or however cold the AC was making it just to hear the cat calls from the mechanics into the box
  • Jr OOD and Captain in the sail during BSP. Jr, “Squadron 20 arriving…….COMSUBLANT arriving….” CO, while the mike is still keyed, “Do you know who the fuck that is! Fuck! Give me that…..Naval Reactors arriving.”
  • Not quite an announcement but as throttleman I had them ring up ahead BATT cavitation, I’m slinging the ahead throttles open while dinging the bell to get the helmsman to fix the order when he suddenly swung it to back emergency. Apparently the helmsman thought it would be quicker to go around the other way instead of through stop. His knob turned but he didn’t notice that the arrow stopped at BATT.This was TRE work up so the ENG was our “monitor” and he wouldn’t let me do a crash back from where we were.
  • PPWO asks load dispatcher if there is enough room on the ring bus to start 7 Turbine Driven Fire Pump…
  • 4MC, “ER, ER, injured man in AMR2 Upper Level”
    1MC, “Injured man in AMR2 upper level, corpsman lay to AMR2 upper level.”
    4MC, “The corpsman is the injured man.”
  • 2JV, “DC forward, crews mess test…..DC forward crews mess test…..” this happen two more times before the EO, “crews mess, maneuvering, you are DC forward.”
  • First ship (a Knox class Fast Frigate, the Elmer Montgomery, hull number 1082), we had a conventional MMFN on board, whose last name was Fish (yes, Fish). Fish was nearing the end of his 4 year enlistment, with no intentions of re-upping, so his attitude was slipping a bit (not that it ever had much room to slip, in the first place).Old Fish got into trouble one day, standing Messenger watch on the Quarterdeck, when the “Navy Exchange Mobile Canteen” (as it was officially known) rolled up, and the OOD told him to announce over the 1MC that it was on the pier, in case anyone wanted to grab something (a normal occurrence). Fish got on the 1MC, and announced to the ship, “The Roach Coach has made its approach….now on the pier!”Needless to say, the XO was NOT impressed, and Fish was banned from any further 1MC announcements. EVER.However, on his very last day, after receiving his DD-214, and getting ready to leave the ship for the very last time (with the taxi down on the pier, and his bags loaded in its trunk), Fish begged the OOD for the opportunity to ring himself off the ship (a courtesy done for people who were leaving for the last time), and was given permission. Here’s what he announced:[ship’s bell, ding-ding!] “MMFN Fish….BOOGIEING!!!” [ding!],after which he quickly hung the microphone up, ran to the brow, saluted the OOD (who had a bemused expression on his face), requested permission to depart (and was given it), and hustled down the brow, to the waiting taxi, which sped off, just as the XO came hauling ass down to the Quarterdeck, likely with the intention of dragging Fish in front of the Old Man, for a good old fashioned keel hauling!!
  • There was a story on navy tws from a skimmer, funniest I’ve ever heard. Basically the CO departed and before off the brow turned around and came back. The quarterdeck watch announced “blahblah, departing” and then with the mike still keyed said “Oh shit the mother fucker is coming back!”
  • We were having a missile security drill and I was on the mess decks (deck on submarine, plural sounds bigger) in the damage control party. They had the perpetrator apprehended and in the Goat Locker.
    The JA phone talker says, “Caudle, they want the Ship’s Interrogator in the Chief’s Quarters.”
    So I asked, “who the hell is that?”
    Phone Talker says, “according to the LT it’s you and he wants you in there to interrogate the prisoner.”
    I was like WTF? So I go and knock on the door and the LT pokes his head out. I ask, “what the hell man, do you want me to annoy the shit out of him until he talks?”
    He laughs and says, “yes, that is exactly why we called you.”
    I walk in the the LTjG that was playing the prisoner is cuffed to a chair. When I walked in he freaked out. He starts yelling, “HELL NO, NOT CAUDLE… I’LL TALK!”
    Then they secured the drill and announced, “COMMENCE FIELD DAY” Of course the two LTs made that whole scenario up to give me shit.
  • ELT bursts into maneuvering with a chalky white turbidity. “EOOW high chlorides Port MSW!” Immediately before we could stop him, EOOW clearly shaken on the 7MC ” Conn, Maneuvering high chlorides Port MSW!”Calm and Coolly “Conn, Maneuvering Aye”
  • 2MC late one afternoon from the SRO “Shutdown Rover 2JV” to the tune of Camptown Ladies. Unfortunately the ENG came back to work and was touring AMR up forward.
  • At the end of a flooding drill we heard “flooding has abated.” you could hear the Eng scream “what the fuck is abated?!”
  • While a member of West Milton Field Office at Kesselring site I was coming in to the site late Christmas Eve to do a monitoring watch (yes, even NRRO guys procrastinate sometimes lol). It is a cold, snowy, beautiful NY night. Just as I get to the building beside S3G I hear the site PA click on and someone announces “Merry Christmas to all! Except you NRRO guys, you suck!” It stopped me dead in my tracks I was laughing so hard! Awesome way to start 2 hours of me not wanting to be there anyway.
  • LT on his next to last duty day as SDO over the 1MC , shortly after dinner sounded the General Alarm and passed the word “dirt, dirt, there is dirt about the boat. Duty section turn to, clean up ship.” He had a long talk with the XO the next morning.
  • USS Fulton (AS-11) @ 1986… U/W for ISE… I’m midwatch OOD, and the CO has fallen asleep on his chair, something he did quite a bit. Nothing going on, then all of the sudden over the 21MC on a perfect scottish brogue <click> “Captain, Captain… Dilithium crystals are breaking down.. I can’t power shields and only give you a few short bursts on phasers” <click>So… as I stand there wondering how to acknowledge… I hear the skipper get off his chair… walk off the pilot house slamming the door as he leaves.About 15-20 minutes later over the 21MC …”This is Sr. Chief such and such and I have relieved as EOOW”….
  • VLS high temp alarm is going off.
    Someone very calmly over 2JV: “thats the VLS high temp alarm. We’re all about to die”
  • On a boat moored at tango 1 in Holy Loch late 80s. The TMs had just finished repairs to the MASE (modified aft signal ejector) and were getting ready to retest it which consisted of running it through several firing cycles. Somebody had noticed that the fruit bowl in crews mess had several very soft over ripe grapefruit that could serve as stand in flares if one was so inclined. As it was the midwatch and no adult supervision was at hand they were so inclined. The MASE was on port side of ERUL…and we were moored on the tenders stbd side. After about the 4th shot of the ”retest” this comes over the 1MC…. This is the Captain. Would the individuals who have declared war on the Simon Lake please cease fire… Oh, and report to my stateroom at 0800.
  • The Conn called back to Manuevering to ask why we weren’t answering the ordered bell. The EO has the bell in his lap polishing it.
  • During repel borders drill, had skinny, short ensign as the “border”. After 15 minutes of trying to locate him in the engine room to no avail, SRW comes to maneuvering and tells me they cannot locate him anywhere. Me, as the SRO, says calmly that I’ll find him, you snag him. I pick up 2MC and announce “secure from repel borders drill, drill monitors muster in the crews mess for drill critique”. 30 seconds later, ensign at the chain with shit eating grin, thinking he has won. SRW grabs him, then on 1MC I announce, “conn, maneuvering, border in custody”. That was one pissed off ensign!
  • Every now and then we had an Officer who qualified CDO on a non-Nuke ship stand CDO. He had no clue. They all had the same rule: Need CDO permission to use 1MC. 1 plant SRO needs Engineering Duty Officer, he isn’t in Engine room. Calls Quarterdeck, asks OOD to pass word for EDO, OOD refuses without CDO permission. SRO asks OOD: where is CDO? OOD: I don’t know. 1MC, from 1 Plant: Command Duty Officer Contact Main Control. Phone rings in 1 plant, it’s the CDO, WTF?? SRO says please call the OOD, give him permission to pass “EDO call Main Control, wait, he’s here, never mind, bye” Hang up.
  • “Blowme Decks 2JV”
  • “Prepare to place a low pleasure blow on all main battle skanks”
  • “I just got shit in my mouth!”
    – PPWS during a major CHT leak in the Reactor RoomThat was too fucking hilarious. Thank god I was in the other plant as Log Dawg.
  • Way back in the day standing ERLL I received a prank 2JV call that went like this:
    Me: “ERLL”
    Caller: “hehehehe. That tickles”
    Someone had stolen a sonar techs tickle me Elmo…
  • And while tied to the pier in Groton our topside watch would have to make the divers announcements for divers in the water across the pier from us. That announcement would start out “there are divers over the side of the USS (insert ships name”.One day while attending a drill brief in the wardroom we hear over the 1MC “there are divers working over the side of the USS Pierwolf” (the Seawolf was moored across the pier from us). Our CO laughed pretty handily then called for the Duty Chief.
  • MM1 A Ganger sitting COW had an Elmer Fudd speech impeachment. One day underway just before pulling in…
    “Wevillie! Wevillie! Wevillie! Up all bunks! Now wevillie!”
    Problem is, he called it away an hour early. The rest of the watches in Control correct him, then we all hear…
    “Beway my wast! Wevillie was inswerted for twaining!”
  • We had an officer checking out, just finished his J.O. tour. He announced, “Lt. Crawford departing. Man overboard.” He then went up the sail, and dove off the planes into the water. He got in trouble, but it was an epic way to leave the boat.

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