Back in my first deployment, we would usually have a soldier or NCO go over specific actions before stepping out of the wire. Usually it was simple, go over how to clear a specific weapon, roll over actions, what to do if we make contact… so on.
I was a SAW gunner when I was a Private so I was normally selected on “how to clear the .249” and I was getting pretty bored with it. I decided to play around with trying to make it more entertaining.
Boring ass version;
You and your battle buddy will come to the clearing barrel, aim your .249 into the barrel and open the feed tray cover. Remove the 5.56 belt and pull the bolt to the rear, physically and visually inspecting to ensure that no rounds are in the weapon, and inspect the magazine weld. Once your battle buddy has double confirmed the weapon is clear and yelling “CLEAR,” ride the bolt forward.”
As the months and months go by, I flavor it up whenever I have to brief it. At first it’s just over exaggerated metaphors… a little “airborne!” drop here and there, adding silly words like “thunderous”, etc… But suddenly… as anything in the infantry world does… it becomes more and more… phallic and erotic.
My Platoon Leader (PL) is eating it up. The whole Platoon loves it when I brief it. Some dudes are trying to mimic it but they’re not god damn mother fucking me. One day the Commander and First Sergeant is going with us. My PL locks eyes with me during the brief… He wants it. He wants it so bad. So during the brief, I dropped my new mixtape edition on how to clear the .249. The Commander and First Sergeant love it.
Few months down the road it was a 15 monther so….. we have the Command Sergeant Major (CSM) rolling with us. Once again, my PL locks eyes with me. Oh sir… so naughty. The CSM as audience too… tisk tisk sir… He asks me how do you “Clear the .249” and I drop it so hot. CSM thought it was hilarious and even was like “God damn.”
Now mind you, each time I’m doing it. I’m trying new material. It’s evolving. It’s offensive. People can’t really tell if I am telling you how to clear the .249 or stick a cucumber in your ass. If SHARP had caught wind, they would have locked me up for good. I already had a few run-ins with the HEAT CAT SEXAY NCOIC posters that people posted around the FOB. This included me in a pin-up model pose, with boots on, a size small Army PT shorts, tan shirt that was twisted in the middle to show my abs but keep my breasts covered but dog tags exposed, dabs of sun screen under my eyes, and a patrol cap loosely being worn… My eyes closed and my mouth obviously photographed in a pleasurable moan as my hand is on my head. Beside it, the words of “HEAT CAT CATEGORY? SEXAY!” We were in a time of war so we could get away with things that would have ended my Hollywood career if ever revealed to the public. Especially when we did a SEXAY football photo shoot. You could tell the center was enjoying the QB getting the snap a little bit too much. I was the QB. Jarhead’s hump scene when they are all dry humping each other is god damn accurate.
Fast forward, fast forward.
My brief. I felt it was near perfected. Multiple and multiple times of “briefing” how to “clear” the .249 have been done. I had spent countless nights drinking RC Cola and staying up, pencil writing anything sexual or offensive I could go into my work of art.
We were doing a massive battalion mission and my platoon was the main effort for it. Engineers, EOD, fuelers… All these others came to us as my PL planned the mission. There was so many people, he pulled humvees up so he can stand on it to give the brief before taking off. Before we staged, he told me “Make sure you’re up front.”
“In front of the battalion… oh my… sir…”
He starts getting done with his brief. It’s night time so the headlights were on to allow people to see. His brief was stoic and professional. We were going to win this god damn war…
“Private Pickle… Can you brief everyone on how to clear a .249?”
My Commander’s face was the most “NNNNNNooooooooo” you could have ever seen. My 1SG put his face into his palm. CSM knew some fuckery was around probably.
“Is that the Private?…. oh no.”
I climb on top of the humvee and face my audience. Game time. This is my moment and performance. Of course I am yelling at the top of my voice to make sure everyone hears it. If you had walked by, you would have thought I was doing some Shakespearian performance with my overly… powerful? movements…
Gentlemen and ladies, I wish I could say I remember this fully. I know I’m forgetting parts. I shall try my best to give you an accurate description on how you clear the .249 with the assistance of your battle buddy and how I briefed it.
“Well SIR I am glad you asked! I have heard some improper CLEARING procedures have been occurring which has allowed some concerns which I call STDs! audience gasps SYSTEMATICALLY TRAINED DISORDERS! With our proper training, we can remove these STDs and properly clear this magnificent specimen that can drop a substantial LOAD into the intended RECEIVER and maybe even some UNINTENDED! First things FIRST, you need to lock eyes with your battle PARTNER and you really won’t have to say anything! You both just FEEL and KNOW it. IT’S JUS THAT TIME! As you take that Airborne partner in crime, approach the RECEIVING clearing barrel. Remember, you’re not EMPTYING anything into that. Once at this clearing barrel, please insert the TIP into it. If it’s a new barrel, could be a TIGHT fit. Be careful, they keep sand in there so may be a bit GRITTY, so you may have to rub the TIP a little bit to clean it off. It’s not sensitive so you can be be ROUGH with it. Lock your hips and square away onto the barrel, THRUSTING overly exaggerated thrusting motion your weapon into it. Once there, lock eyes with your airborne, hard-fought BATTLE and PARATROOPER partner. Once there, grab that HANDLE OF CHARGE and yank that bad boy into the REAR, POP that feeder tray open. Swiftly whip that BELT off like you know what’s about to go DOWN. Visually inspect to ensure nothing was SHOVED into the bore. Now, some say visual is fine but if you’re like me, I like to get PHYSICAL. I’ll have my BUDDY physically place his fingers to INSPECT for those rounds and check the BACKDOOR by putting his or her fingers into the magazine weld. You may need some moisture to get in there easily so feel free to maybe LICK your fingers if needed. Once you ensure there is no blockage or clear, lock eyes with your BUDDY and allow him to shout with a loud and thunderous “CLEAR” in which you can be happy with a job well done and put that bolt forward back right where it belongs. That’s how we do it here in Charlie Company! Wipe away that sweat on your forehead from POUNDING job well done and properly clearing that RED hot .249.”
At the end, everyone clapped and I got high-fived by the CSM. Some were strangely aroused. Sexualities were questioned.
Nah, I got the living shit smoked out of me and the PL got chewed out by the Commander. The NCO smoking the shit out of me after the mission was like “I just want you to know, that was amazing but going ahead and keep lunging with that 50 cal barrel.”
I was no longer allowed to brief .249 clearing procedures but continued with my unofficial HEAT CAT SEXAY NCOIC secondary role.
Reddit User u/PickleInDaButt