The First Book of Hyman

Long but a Nukes’s tale from the First Book of Hyman.

In the beginning, there was chaos and the world was cast in darkness. And so it came to pass that in time the Lord said “let there be light,” and a mighty trumpet sounded and somewhere in the darkness Hyman rose and split the atom. And there was light. And the Lord was pleased and shined down on Hyman with great blessings.

And so it came to pass, that in time, Hyman grew bored of the light and the chaos and asked the Lord “Oh Lord, though I have split the atom and created holy entropy, I can not make order from disorder.”

And the lord was pleased and shined down upon Hyman with great blessings. And among these blessings were minions. And Hyman loved his minions and divided them by their types into tribes and named them all.

And so it came to pass that one tribe was cast into the image of Hyman and so became Hyman’s favorite. Hyman named them RC-div, and Hyman and RC-div walked together in Hyman’s field. And in time, RC-div was blessed with a little brother and Hyman named them E-Div. And The Lord was pleased and shined down upon Hyman and RC-Div with great blessings.

And it was the charge of the RC-Div to shepherd their weaker brothers in Hyman’s field, and such breadth was the task that the time for walking with Hyman grew very short. And so, in time, it came to pass that among RC-Div some became resentful of their brothers and shirked their responsibility. And they beat their breasts and cried out to THE LORD, “Oh lord do not permit us to walk among our lowly brethren. For their hands are black like evil from toiling in carbon dust.” And no one watched over E-Div and E-Div wandered far from Hyman’s field into the cone, which Hyman hath forbade, for the coners occupied the outlands and spent their days playing Guitar Hero while the tribes of Hyman toiled for their father, and this Hyman found detestable.

And the Lord grew angry at the wayward sons of RC-Div and appeared before them as a plasma ball forty cubits wide and slowly drove them from the green valley Hyman had set aside for his wire rate minions. And the wrath of the Lord was without bounds and the ranks of RC-Div were diminished by two-thirds. And those that were once among RC-Div came to settle the bilges, among the shadows, far from the sight of Hyman. And the Lord removed their mark so that they would never again shim in the house of Hyman. And so it came to pass that in time they were forgotten, their names were stricken from the book of life, and added to Appendix A of Douche.

And so it came to pass that in time the fallen received a new name to set them apart from their noble heritage. And the name of the fallen became M-Div. And M-Div became the stewards of the bilges and the tanks there and they began to prosper, if such could be said of dwelling in the bilges. And in time the Lord’s heart grew soft and the Lord took pity on them and gave them tools and supplies to survive away from Hyman’s house. Among these gifts were EB Red, lockwire, and folding knives.

And there in the bilges far from Hyman’s house there were some among the fallen who tried to repent their sins, and although the Lord forbade them to return to the house of Hyman, his heart was softened and he provided a path of redemption. And the Lord did speak unto them from the flame of a Class Bravo fire that burned, but did not consume, and the Lord did say unto them, “Do not be afraid, for even though thee hath sinned against your father, I am a forgiving master and I alone can offer you a path from the bilges in which you dwell into salvation.” And the Lord spoke again and a mighty trumpet sounded and to the sample sink appeared before them. And the Lord did say unto them, “Whoever among you that draws a sample from this sink may crawl from the bilges and into a new house that I hath made. If you dwell in this house you will call it nucleonics and ye shall be known from that day hence as RL-Div. And know ye all though you come from humble beginnings because of your cursed past only you will draw sample from my sample sink.” Many among them were afraid and chose not to accept this offer and crawled back into the bilges to hide and strike each other in their manhood, and there they remain away from the sight of the Lord until the end of all things.

And so it came to pass that Hyman began to prepare his first and more favorite minion, Thomas, from the tribe of RC-Div, for the job of watching over the other tribes. Thomas was afraid for he lacked the strength to lead such a nation. Hyman said unto Thomas, “My son, from this day forward, you shall grow your hair at least, but not more than, four inches in length and you shall arrange your hair so that it is at least, but not more than, two inches in bulk. This will be the sign of our covenant and will signify to others that I have chosen you to rise above them and guide them in my way. Among your chiefs, I will take from them the hair on their heads so that the minions will look to you and know that you are chosen. And in the time of great strife, I will reveal the shape of the Ship’s Captain and you shall grow your sideburns in this fashion and it is as such that you will gain the strength you need to overcome.” And so it came to pass that Thomas did as Hyman demanded and his hair grew long and Thomas grew mighty and wise until his might and wit were well known throughout the kingdom of Hyman and Hyman was proud. And so it came to pass that Hyman grew weary and he left his minions and laid down to rest in the house of the Lord.

In time, Hyman’s minions flourished under the guidance of Thomas. Many forgot that Hyman’s final blessing had been conveyed unto Thomas and there was much dissension in the ranks. The minions became as unruly as the coners that dwelled in the outlands. And so it came to pass that Thomas asked Hyman to reveal the secret of the Ship’s Captain but Hyman did not reply. Thomas knew that Hyman had forsaken him and he wandered into the desert. The days of wandering for Thomas were numerous beyond measure and to sustain him all he drank was lemonade, and to eat he had naught. And Thomas’ wanderings brought him to the foot of the mountain built by giants before the time of men. Today, that spot is known as D1G. And at the top of the mountain D1G, he spied the light of a class Bravo fire that burned but did not consume. He knew in his heart that this was a sign from Hyman and so he began to climb. So Thomas climbed the mountain D1G for forty days and forty nights, drawn by the light of the class Bravo fire that burned so brightly as to cast a shadow at midday. And so it came to pass on the fortieth evening, Thomas reached the summit and peering into the light of the class Bravo fire that burned but did not consume.

It was there that Hyman did speak unto him from the light of the class Bravo fire. Hyman said, “My son, the minions do not understand that the prosperity they enjoy comes from the covenant that we hath made. Today, I will give to you my laws that you will carry back to them. These laws are a sign of my covenant with them. Those who do not accept them will be cast out from my fields and separated from the tribes forever. Those who choose to abide by my laws will know eternal happiness and will be welcome in my fields until the end of all things.” And a bright tongue of fire leapt from the class Bravo fire and inscribed the laws of Hyman onto a tablet of solid gold as he dictated them to Thomas.

‘The first of my laws is: Thou shalt have procedural compliance. In order to operate in my fields, as I have intended, this law shall never be breached. This is foremost among my laws, as it separates the tribes of my minions from the coners and all things detestable that creep among the Earth.’

‘The second of my laws is: Thou shalt have understanding. As you send the youngest of my minions out into the world with look-ups, you must employ understanding in order to decipher the gibberish they will bring back to you. For one day, you will dwell in the house of the Lord and those you leave behind will watch over my fields in your absence.’

‘The third of my laws is: Thou shalt have ownership. I have laid out a bounty for my minions, and have leveled the forests of chaos so that they may reside in my fields. This I have done for you, my beloved minions, and it is detestable, in my eyes, for you to not accept this gift that is your birth right.’

‘The fourth of my laws is: Thou shalt have anticipation. In order for you to know that what you are about to do is detestable, and so avert my wrath, you shall exercise anticipation.’

‘The fifth of my laws is: Thou shalt have teamwork. Although the tribes are strong, many among you are weak and, because you are your brother’s keeper, you must discover the strength that comes only from operating in harmony.’

‘The last of my laws is: Thou shalt have formality. For no other reason than because some people are just dumb and when folly is made of your plans, the dumb must not drag down the strong.’

If you keep my laws and hold them dear in your hearts, the tribes of Hyman will never perish from the Earth. But, if ye stray from my laws, I shall strike ye down and drive ye from the fields of Hyman forever.

And the light from the class Bravo fire that burned but did not consume went out and Thomas was alone.

And from all the corners of the Earth came the sound of the mighty trumpets so mighty that the Earth trembled like the slamming of a massive check valve, of over forty cubits breadth. And in the east, the oceans rose and covered the land with a mighty flood so that the other people of that land would not harness holy entropy from fission on the shores of their land again. And the tribes began to shake with fear and many among them died from dread, while others, knowing that their end was at hand, built an altar higher than the O-10 level out of wood pulp and prayed to their God, which they named Admin.

And when Thomas returned, he was witness to the debauchery of the tribes of Hyman and he became angry and smashed the tablets against the altar of wood pulp, which caused it to collapse and crush many who knelt at the base while they prayed for redemption and succor from their impotent gods.

And the Lord was displeased and set upon the tribes of Hyman with many afflictions. Among these were Carbon Steel Corrosion, Brittle Fracture, Continuous Training Program, and ORSE, which were unknown in the fields of Hyman before that time. And the unfaithful among the tribes of Hyman knew the wrath of the Lord. The misery drove many to insanity and they rose up as one and attempted to kill the prophet Thomas. But Thomas had kept his shimming hand strong in the wilderness and he struck them down with it. For forty nights they charged, but each time they were turned back by the might of Thomas’ shimming hand. And when they looked around and saw that many among them had been struck dead by the power of the Lord through Thomas’ shimming hand, they were afraid and beat their breasts and fled from their huts and scattered into the wilderness where they remain to this very day.

— Written by Mark Ford